If you experience love, it is likely you will experience the pain of losing what you love at some point. Losing someone we love dearly is a passage of life that none of us get to bypass. The feelings a major loss bring are unsettling to say the least. It has been almost 2 years since my dad died from a fast and excruciating battle with a rare form of blood cancer, Myelofrybrosis. The grief I endured from that experience has been crippling, almost stopping me in my tracks. I had been through life changing losses before such as divorce and death of grandparents but nothing compared to this. There are many ways to handle grief and everyone handles it differently, but I would like to share the 3 things that have been instrumental in my own healing of loss.
Grief can arise from not only death but from divorce, loss of a job, an adoption that doesn’t come to fruition or any major change in our life leaving us to feel like a derailed train. To go through the pain and get through the grief takes work… a lot of work. Notice, I didn’t say to avoid the pain. I used to be a master at “thinking” I was able to get around the feelings of emotional pain in my life. I have learned that if you don’t work through the pain now it will meet you later on down the road. Whether it’s now or later, to get better, to heal your heart, you have to do deal with the disappointment and grief. After my dad’s death, I became stuck in my grief and couldn’t function very well in my day to day life. Realizing this, I began taking small baby steps to get through the fog. I can’t say it was a simple and clean process but it was necessary so that I could heal and begin to look at what lessons in life I could learn from this gut wrenching pain.
What I have learned is that through these unsettling, painful feelings, transformation of ones soul can happen if you are willing to let it teach you.
-
Don’t be too proud to ask or seek help.
Yes, I like to think I have all the tools I need in my toolbox to handle my life. Vulnerability isn’t my strong suit and I prefer the pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality because that way of thinking has served me well in the past and got me through the hard times. However, in the weeks following the loss of my dad, it was apparent I didn’t have the tools needed to work through my pain. My usual ways of dealing with it just were not working. I sought out a counselor to talk to and be my guide on navigating this treacherous terrain of complicated grief. At first, I was embarrassed to admit I was getting help of a total stranger to talk about something so personal as the journey with my dad through his traumatic brain injury, cancer diagnosis and then death. What possibly could this person say to even begin to fix how I feel? I kept going even when I didn’t want to go and over time, I could feel the areas of my inner self that were locked up so tight begin to release. The depression and anxiety slowly began to lift over time and I was able to shift my perspective. I began a conversation with my counselor that would forever change my relationship with loss and grief. Yes, now I can admit, I couldn’t do it on my own and having a trusted source to help me steer in these uncharted waters has gotten my head above water so to speak.
-
Prayer, Meditation, Silence
Although prayer has been part of my life since I was a little girl, in the dark hours of grief, prayer was the only solid footing I had when everything else around me felt as if it has crumbled to the ground. Prayer was difficult at first when I was broken, angry, confused but I knew prayer grounded me and God would understand my feelings. When I began to make dedicated time for meditation, my space enlarged. My mind and heart opened up, expanded, and I didn’t feel choked for air to breath. In meditation, with the focus on my breath and not thinking of what I will say or do, my soul gets a breath of fresh air. It is this time of silence, I don’t talk to God but instead I am open to receive and be aware. In meditation, I listen to God the Divine Creator and what He is saying to me with an open heart. For me, prayer, meditation and quiet time strengthens my relationship with God. Sitting in silence when times are good is easy but sitting in silence when my world had been ripped apart was excruciating. Five minutes felt like an hour but I had to learn to sit in silence…in the pain so I could let what I was feeling move through me. The pain I felt was so deep, so harsh and raw, it scared me to even sit still for a minute with it in the beginning.
-
Honor your loss:
I made a small alter in a private space of my home with mementos of my dad and every morning lit a candle in his memory. It was important to me that he still be present in my life every day and this ritual gave me time each morning to feel his presence and extend my love to him. Even when I travel, regardless of where I am at, I light a candle each day in remembrance for his love. In time, I am sure I will change or this will look differently to me but so far this has brought me great comfort. There is no right or wrong way to honor or pay tribute to the loss of a loved one. It is very personal so find what serves you well and make it yours.
Grief can be a transforming experience. It has allowed me to look deeper into myself and unwrap the parts of myself that are messy, complicated and need some polishing. Be patient and kind to yourself. Be open to what grief can give you to live a more fulfilled life.